being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
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I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.