[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
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These aliens are taking forever.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”