I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
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interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Dead sexy!!
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
*has no idea what a book even is*
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
I don’t know what to do