[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
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It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*