[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
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Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no