If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
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If only
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.