My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
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Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.