Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
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The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
i wish we could shoplift online
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely