My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
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My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly