I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
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Challenge accepted.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.