Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
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Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Big Sex has us all fooled
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs