I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
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I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.