You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
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One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
6: are snakes just neck?
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this