Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
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Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
They’re really bad with fonts.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?