Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
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I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
i- i did not expect this
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.