Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
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In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
The old gods are rising again.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
They’re called werewolves.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good