Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
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a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Still my favourite meme.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you