I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
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Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Happy Star Wars day!
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.