They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
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The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Brother?
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it