We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
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*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Steam Forums
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable