Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
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Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white