My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
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HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
This is my cat’s medicine.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
we’re gonna need another temp
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Well there goes my Wednesday night.