Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
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Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.