Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
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I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
sleeping beauty
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
This made me smile…
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.