Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
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[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated