if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
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police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.