Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
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New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
felt that
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up