I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
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Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Good dog. ❤️
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.