Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
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knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!