Meme Monday.
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It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Cheers Twitter.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.