For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
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My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Love is in the air fryer.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.