Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
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just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”