Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
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I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.