-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
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When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”