Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
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Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
groan^2
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
I’m giving up ice.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.