Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
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My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?