The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.