My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
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The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.