During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
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[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.