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She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.