Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
You Might Also Like
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Don’t touch that.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
How high do the levels go?
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.