When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
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*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.