12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
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“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*