*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
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[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
i baked you a cake
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.