me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
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CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.