All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
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me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Why is no one talking about this?!
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me