You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
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My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell