Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
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I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.