My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
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If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period