Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
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Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Erm I’m gonna say no
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?